So I’m back on this site after a two year hiatus. Not sure how long it’s going to last and really its just me writing and thinking here. I disconnected the link I had to Facebook so no one else is going to see this, I hope, which is good because I’m not ready to share anything right now.
I was rereading one of the earlier posts and in it I mention grabbing Milan’s arm to stop him chasing Viktor around. That reminded me of a couple of weeks ago when I did it in front of Lisa and then I got real remorseful. I thought I had done the right thing but the more I thought of it the more I realized that it was wrong. It was really wrong to do it in front of Lisa which just put a fine point on why I need to go back to therapy and try and control my anger, among other things. I cried and Milan forgave me and instead I have taken to cussing in my classroom instead of in front of my children. I can’t say that it makes me feel any better because the students very much deserve a lot of the vocal crap I give them. There are a lot of students that could use a good whooping but I’m not the guy to do that, their parents are in that boat and I don’t envy them in the least. Getting back to being remorseful yeah I was crying and was really feeling shitty about myself after that and so when I read the piece from two years ago it sent a stabbing pain into my heart. Yeah I have done this kind of thing before, I probably will do it again. I’m not proud of that and I’m scared that I will do it again. looking at pictures of my boys from when they were young, only four years ago, makes me miss those days. Those boys are so cute and man I want to hold them in my arms again. I want to feel that again. I touch my boys and it’s touching them today, not yesterday and I know that living in the past is not a good thing but I sure do miss Milan when he was three.