Been a real long time.

So I’m back on this site after a two year hiatus. Not sure how long it’s going to last and really its just me writing and thinking here. I disconnected the link I had to Facebook so no one else is going to see this, I hope, which is good because I’m not ready to share anything right now.

I was rereading one of the earlier posts and in it I mention grabbing Milan’s arm to stop him chasing Viktor around. That reminded me of a couple of weeks ago when I did it in front of Lisa and then I got real remorseful. I thought I had done the right thing but the more I thought of it the more I realized that it was wrong. It was really wrong to do it in front of Lisa which just put a fine point on why I need to go back to therapy and try and control my anger, among other things. I cried and Milan forgave me and instead I have taken to cussing in my classroom instead of in front of my children. I can’t say that it makes me feel any better because the students very much deserve a lot of the vocal crap I give them. There are a lot of students that could use a good whooping but I’m not the guy to do that, their parents are in that boat and I don’t envy them in the least. Getting back to being remorseful yeah I was crying and was really feeling shitty about myself after that and so when I read the piece from two years ago it sent a stabbing pain into my heart. Yeah I have done this kind of thing before, I probably will do it again. I’m not proud of that and I’m scared that I will do it again. looking at pictures of my boys from when they were young, only four years ago, makes me miss those days. Those boys are so cute and man I want to hold them in my arms again. I want to feel that again. I touch my boys and it’s touching them today, not yesterday and I know that living in the past is not a good thing but I sure do miss Milan when he was three.


It’s been a while

since I’ve written. My intention was to do a lot of writing especially after Lisa left on her month long excavation with the museum. Sadly that hasn’t happened until now. It has been a hectic three weeks. My boys would wake me up anywhere from 6:30 to 7 am and then sit around for two hours and watch tv while caught up on sleep in most cases. I was going to go back my regiment of eat better since my cholesterol is very bad, mostly because I ran out of simvastatin before we went to Wisconsin. We’ve moved into an apartment complex with a pool and workout facility and I was hoping to work out every day while my mom was here. That happened once. The rest of the time I was hobbling around after twisting my knee and hurting my back. There was a violent thunderstorm that set off the alarms in my apartment a week ago Saturday and when it rained again last night MIlan was very scared from the previous incident. I’ve been trying to reconnect with the dads group I was involved with when we first moved down here. That has actually gone well but since Meredith College didn’t renew my contract I need a job now more than ever. I still have the BN job but that really only pays for some of the food and not much else. All of the irons I had in the fire at the beginning of the summer burnt horribly and nothing has come to fruition. The Wake Tech job, the Meredith College contract. I even met a guy who teaches at NCSU who said to email him so I did and I never heard back. Now granted I never followed up because Lisa went to Utah and I got busy still that iron fizzled. Though I will probably try again soon.


Holy cow…

Man I haven’t written anything in a long time. Partly because I’ve been super busy with teaching summer school at Meredith, we are moving into an apartment in Cary and we are sending a lot of stuff to an off-site storage space and getting rid of stuff we haven’t used in a long time. Then after we leave we are heading out of town but it’s looking I might have to stick around in order to get our house in Brookfield ready for new renters. Plus the Hawks are playing in game 7 tonight to go to play for the cup. Lots going on.


I need to get a clue. I sell used art and film books through Amazon Marketplace and for the past three weeks or so I hadn’t sold a single book. Now mind you I don’t have my entire inventory listed still I have a lot in the marketplace. Never the less as soon as I post new books I sell one. This happened the last time and I sold a lot over a seven day period. So for the past three weeks I’m wondering why no one is buying my books and all I really needed to do was post some new inventory and I will sell some more books. The funny thing is that the book that sold is not one of the new ones I posted tonight. Go figure.

I think that I’m over due…

to write another blog. It’s been an interesting week. My wife was off in Utah at a conference and while she was gone my oldest son decided not only to have one tooth fall out but two fall out on the same day. Well actually the second was helped along by his younger brother when he threw something at Milan and it hit him in the mouth. Man there was blood everywhere and both boys were crying. Milan was in obvious pain and it was hard to concentrate. Viktor was crying because Milan was crying. I managed to get the second tooth out and stop the bleeding and now he is missing two teeth. He was very excited to put them under his pillow. I had a hard time finding both teeth when I went to plant the good the Tooth Fairy let behind. I got a lot of nice responses to my query about what a tooth goes for these days. Most people said two bucks or a gold coin of some kind. I can’t remember what I got when my teeth fell out. I’m sure it wasn’t a dollar or more and I’m pretty sure that the money disappeared in my mom’s purse for safe keeping and I never saw it again. Milan promptly put his money in the piggy bank and went about his business of telling me that the Tooth Fairy came and that he was going to show off his missing teeth to his class.

One of my favorite movies, that I watch with my kids, is Rise of the Guardians. I really like the mythology that William Joyce the creator of the books has laid out for each of the childhood characters. When Easter came around my wife and I hid the eggs and candy all over the place and my boys had a field day. We said that the Easter Bunny had come around and left them lots of candy. So now with his teeth coming out I told him that the Tooth Fairy was going to come and give him a present under his pillow. He said just like in the movie. I agreed and it came true he was very happy. I don’t think that it mattered that the present the Tooth Fairy left behind wasn’t a dollar, or even two dollars, but it was the fact that she came by and left something just for him. He woke me up this morning shortly before six to show me what she had left and got me up to go down and put the money in the piggy bank. In the movie the Tooth Fairy was about memories and I know that I will cherish the memory of my son finding the eggs on Easter and the coin under his pillow.

For some reason…

I have the hardest time posting blogs or writing in general in the evenings. I wake up in the mornings and while I’m laying there, if I even get that chance with two boys wanting to eat breakfast, I think about things that I would write about. But when the evening comes I generally can’t remember what I was thinking about. I think it’s usually pretty good what I’m thinking about but I can’t seem to remember exactly how I worded it later in the day and thus I usually never blog late at night. The only time I might  blog at night is after my day with my son and his potty issue lately. Or that the Blackhawks won a game, which they did last night and thus the series and so they are moving on. Go Hawks!

I don’t know

I seriously don’t know what to write right now. Tonight Milan cried when I grabbed his arm and prevented him from running after his brother. He was supposed to put on his pajamas, but these days he seems like can’t concentrate on the more simple tasks and so when I got a little upset that he was about to take off after Viktor, who was already dressed, I grabbed his arm and sat him back down. He started to cry and my head began to tense up. The whole bath time was frustrating, both my boys like to put the bath water in their mouths so I tell them to stop, they ignore me. I take things away and then they cry for what seems like hours.

After Milan finished crying he brushed his teeth but then he didn’t want me to read to him so I lay there with him and listened while he slowly fell asleep. He started to put his fingers in his mouth more too. So now we have pooping issues and he is beginning to suck his fingers. Never was like this until I tried to get him to do things on his own. Makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong, then I think of how my father would lecture me endlessly about I don’t know what, and I feel like I’m doing that with Milan. It saddens me to think that I’m being my father. It frustrates me that this isn’t what I really wanted to write in my blog but I just couldn’t figure out how to put into more creative words what I’m feeling. I want to be a writer and I can’t even write. Makes me very sad.

Missed opportunity


I’m listening to the Blackhawks play the Blues in-game 4 so I’m a little distracted right now. But anyway I had signed up for a writing critique group a week ago or so but I had to pass on the opportunity because my wife had to work late. Now I find out that the group is closed, they took only six people, which is good I don’t like large groups for critiquing. My beef I guess is that there are at least two guys who are part of another writing critique group that is also closed, not accepting new personnel, and thus making it difficult for someone like to me to get into a group and get my stuff looked at. When I first joined the Triangle Writers Group there were two groups and if you went to one you couldn’t go to the other. Then a bunch of people branched off because they were close to publishing their books and the rest of us relocated to a BN in a mall instead of the Caribou Coffee in Cary where we had been meeting. That group filled up fast and there was always a waiting list. Well the guy who branched off for a while, he published his book on Amazon and started the Caribou Coffee group again. Only I couldn’t go but at least two guys from the BN group who typically were not on the waiting list got into this group and now they are part of both groups. This irks me and now I think that I should start another group or something I mean I can’t really fault those guys, they want as much advise as possible it’s just that both groups grew out of Caribou Coffee and now they belong to both and I am not.


Thinking about getting back into writing…again


So a local writers critique group that I belonged to a while ago is starting up again. The original group moved to a new location and while the location wasn’t all that bad, a BN, there just were too many people involved. There was often a waiting list. This group is back at the old meeting place and the guy leading it is looking to keep the regular participation low, to live seven people. That might mean that I get my writing critiqued more frequently. COurse I haven’t written anything in like six or seven months. These blog don’t count. I feel very much as though I don’t have much to say in the way or fiction writing. I was on a very big crime noir type kick. I read that stuff all the time, love it really. So I was trying to create my own character like Ala Philip…

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The pooping issues continue

So for the past week or so Milan is still pooping in his pants just not as much as before. Looked more watery to me than anything else probably because of the Mira-lax. Today however he had a solid poop in his pants. I hadn’t noticed until he was playing with some kids on the school playground and they were hiding under a tarp that covered the sand pit. I heard one kid say something like man it smells like poop under here. I knew then that it was Milan so I got him out and we went to the bathroom where he locked himself in the stall and I’m assuming sat on the toilet. I insisted that he only went pee but when he opened the stall door I noticed that was poop on the underside of the toilet indicating that it came from his underwear while it was pulled down around his ankles. So we went home and he pooped on the toilet and then took a shower. Viktor was asleep so he had plenty of time to wash up.
Tonight after diner I showed him that he was only going to get three gummies because that was all the stars he had and that Viktor was going to get eight. He took his gummies and went back to watching the movie Frozen. So it seems to me that even though I am showing him the different subjects and I’m trying to be encouraging and not negative, I just took his underwear and washed them in the sink next to him while he pooped before he took his shower, that he is content to get the gummies that he gets. He doesn’t seemed to notice or be concerned about the fact that he has poop and pee in his underwear. It doesn’t bother him at all. I think he would be fine with walking around with it all day if he had to. He knows that I or Lisa will take care of him when he comes home with a sore butt from long exposure to poop on his skin. Just a little Desitin and he’s on his way. He plays like nothing is wrong or has happened. Now I could be wrong about this assessment, I have no idea how long he had poop in his pants before the other kid mentioned something. It could have been he was pooping right then or maybe he had it in there for a while. I watched him on the play ground today while eating lunch with Viktor. Milan sat on the jungle gym for a while then got up and was playing basketball and on the swing and running around. When school was over and we went back onto the playground with a school mate and he played and had a lot of fun. I’m beginning to think that he pediatrician was right in saying that I should be putting him on the toilet after every meal. If he goes then great if not then I guess not. He goes when I notice that, after the fact, the poop in his pants. Course there is no guarantee that he will go if I put him on the potty versus holding because he is fighting me.